I thought 2006 would be a great opportunity for me to find myself. Then again, the moments I spent have regretfully not been utilized constructively. The consequences have not let me find myself, and instead I am more lost. I realize that I am a confused individual. I have no self-character nor do I have a personality. I am not a consistent being.

Looking at my own reflections, I sadly recognize my yet another weakness – I have to search for one new addiction in order to get rid of another.

I am a junkie – to my collections and now also to my mobile cam. I have been updating my toy?? webshot album and my viewpoint blog in connection to my figurines and the shots I have taken respectively. My addictions to auctions and online purchase have turned me into a compulsive shopper. I am completely obsessed with clicking the bidding key and the buy now key. Where is my willpower?

Thanks to yahoo! my working desk is more like a mini toys r us than a serious office. However, I have to admit that I am very proud of it. I love my desk and I know that I have done a wonderful job with my displays. But how beneficial is that?

Whilst browsing and reading my previous posts, I have also detected my long-winded descriptions. Could I have written better?

After nearly a year looking for the philosophy of my life, I have finally decided “I must have the courage to fail, so that I can have the strength to pick myself up again when I fall”…but I pray that there will not be any heavy fall.

I guess that’s about it.

I don’t believe in resolutions…just dreams. Hence, I wish that my dreams in 2007 would help to lift me up.

~ANNE FRANK and the CHILDREN OF HOLOCAUST~

i shall never stop hoping, for the moment i stop hoping i shall cease to exist

[moshe flinker - gassed in auschwitz together with his parents]

~ANNE FRANK and the CHILDREN OF HOLOCAUST~

please let me write about peace in the next notebook

[esther van vriesland - died in the gass chambers, auschwitz]

~ANNE FRANK and the CHILDREN OF HOLOCAUST~

one - two - three..
eight feet long,
two strides across, the rest is dark...
life hangs over me like a question mark.

one - two - three...
maybe another week,
or next month, may still find me here,
but death, i feel, is very near.

i could have been
twenty-three next july;
i gambled on what mattered most,
the dice were cast. i lost.

[hannah senesh - killed by a firing squad]

i know this lady from work...she used to be **how should i put it??** FAT. suddenly she's been losing weight and i started to see her in extra short skirts and tight tops, fully accessorised and looking so glittery.

but no matter how much she puts the extra effort to look sexy, somehow her bad-mouth made her look so ** how should i put it??** BITCHY and ALL WRONG.

she showed me something - one can change one's physical appearance by putting on nice clothes, beautiful bracelets and choker. short tight skirt will make one look ... sexy?? but her attitude and perceptions....sexy?? i think NOT!!!

it's how one carry herself. and the image that she creates for herself will show if she is really a sexy young lady. i find that for one to look sexy, she not only needs to dress sexy (but how sexy is SEXY? sometimes people just can't differentiate SEXY and SLUTTY), but she also needs to have sweet smile, modest, moderately dressed and SMART. she must look smart, act smart and talk smart. one wrong statement and she will suddenly turns ugly. arrrggghhh!!! to look elegant, sexy and admired, one has to stay humble. but to look elegance is a natural gift. obviously she doesn't have that.

i don't have the preference for sexy look. i just want to look simple but interesting. i would prefer to give people a feeling of curiosity when they look at me. sexy is just not in my vocab.

i simply can't understand why i feel this way. no matter how many times i remind myself about what i should believe in, and how i must control the situation...but this feeling just keep coming back haunting me. i know i'm happy, content with life. but why is there still chaos? i can't seem to find peace. what angers me?

mengapa mati yang ku tunggu?

...mawar pudar warna tak ingin layu

mengapa ajal yang ku hajati?

...anak yang jatuh masih ingin berdiri

di manakah peganganku?

...si kecil ku didik agar kuat peribadi

...dan aku terpaku menyerah diri

di manakah aku sorokkan keimanan?

...aku bersyarah berhujahkan kemanusiaan

...tetapi ku genggam segumpal dendam

[zanas]

i enjoyed our office function today. it was all filled with fun and laughter. i took few shots from my phone cam, but the lighting was bad and the pix turned out blurry. i'm really dissapointed coz i was hoping to uploading them in my webshot album. i shall wait for the pictures taken by the decent cameras.

there is nothing much for me to talk about the function - because happiness doesn't give me the inspiration to write...but it gives me the excitement to share pictures filled with happy faces and beautiful smiles. words can't describe one's happiness, but pictures can paint true beauty.

i shall check with my colleagues tomorrow.

reading 'anne frank & the children of holocaust' -

i now prefer to escape into daydreams...death is not for me to plan, because it has been planned for me.

My new favourite collection .... nice???

Not to choose is also a choice

[Albert Camus]

...In the end, perhaps it is the most dangerous choice of all

Today, I have learnt...

People who try to intoduce and implement changes

will have more enemies than those who destroy.

No matter how well we planned,

nothing can really prepare us for the worst.

Only give 80% luv and trust.

Save that 20% as a space to forgive.

Because a 100% luv and trust will only turn into a

100% disappointment (betrayed) and hate.

Every situation is given differently,

and that brings different minds and consequences.